It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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