he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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