i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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