Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Im part way to drunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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