Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
