I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
