I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
