wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
