I want to make a zoo with you.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
did i walk over a car last night?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
