I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
