about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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