youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
