my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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