'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
