I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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