Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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