Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
