I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
