mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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