I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
