im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
