just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize