when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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