we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My dick has a subreddit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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