What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
