Jerry, you need to find god
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
