I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
