Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
