He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
