theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
