Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
