sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
