Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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