So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
