Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
