I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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