That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
