I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My brain says no but my pants say off.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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