'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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