i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
