You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
