Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
