i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
