I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
