it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize