I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
