Your face is a jimmy john
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
