she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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