You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
