3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
