It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
