i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
