apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
