I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
