That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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