I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
