i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
