i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
