My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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