This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
